31 Days of Twilight Day 3ish and 4ish – Where in we see that Bella has fully bought a ticket for Edward’s crazy train and Edward has exquisite breath

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*sigh* I wish…

*cleansing breath* Well, that was… a lot of Twilight to get through. Since I didn’t do any reading yesterday, instead taking a break to get in some great family time with the wife and the kid, I read one and a half day’s worth of the book today and I’ll read another one and a half tomorrow to catch up. Since there was so much read I’m going to try to not to go so much into the plot. I also intended these posts to be around 1k words and they’ve been twice that easily so no promises.

When last we left Bella she was alone in the woods having finally decided that it didn’t really matter if Edward was a blood-sucking creature of the night because she lurved him. After getting thoroughly creeped out by the woods, Bella made her way back to civilization and eventually to school where she finally manages to get through to Mike that “HEY, I’M NOT THAT INTO YOU!”

Oh, and a note of high irony, Bella is apparently writing an essay about how Shakespeare was mysognistic in the use of his female characters. Oh, SM, I don’t think that word means what you think it means.

However, school is horrifically Edward-free, casting Bella into a deep depression. No, seriously, the same guy who has been insulting her, saying “STAY BACK! But I won’t stay away from you, but you should totally keep away from me as I stalk you.” and Bella is all “But there was no sign of Edward or any of his family. Desolation hit me with crippling strength. I shambled along behind Jessica, not bothering to pretend to listen anymore….Angela asked a few quiet questions about the Macbeth paper, which I answered as naturally as I could while spiraling downward in misery.” Someone get this girl a golden staple to fix her hand permanently to her forehead.

The school day ends and Bella, Jessica, and Angela head into Port Angeles to go dress shopping. Dress shopping is had and Bella manages to ask Angela about why the Cullens weren’t in school and if it was normal for them to miss days at a time in the most unsubtle fashion possible, to which Angela answers that they go camping. A lot. Pretty regularly in fact. I wonder why that could be…

Bella finally manages to start to relax and have fun until she sees a silver Volvo that’s just like Edward’s and then she’s all Miss Mopey McMoperson again and decides she needs some retail therapy of her own, only it’s Bella so she goes unsuccessfully looking for a bookstore but almost finds a four-pack of “getting mugged and possibly worse because she wandered into the industrial part of Port Angels”. However, it turns out the silver Volvo WAS Edward’s and he almost runs over the creepy twenty-somethings who were about to meet Bella’s acquaintance whether she wanted it or not, orders her to get in the car, and then drives off.

What follows is Edward taking Bella out to dinner, which is a lot like Edward giving her a ride home in that Bella has absolutely no choice in the matter, not that she seems to have any opinion other than “Edward’s dreamy” and “Whatever you want, Edward.”

During dinner Edward orders Bella to eat and drink to stave off some sort of shock she should eventually have and he seems upset that she’s not as bothered by the fact she almost ended up four guys’ play-thing. It seems that Edward had decided to stalk follow Bella to Port Angels, because that’s normal, and they finally get around to having the conversation about Edward by pretty much dancing around the V-word but talking about everything else that should send a normal person running for the hills. Edward, apparently, can hear people’s thoughts but, not Bella’s, and she’s the only one he’s encountered thus far in his life who he wasn’t able to pick up. He also can apparently follow her by her smell.

Let’s picture this setting. On one side of the table you have Bella, all seventeen, angsty, and pale. On the side you have Edward, a [insert synonym for beautiful here], pale, asshole who has just told you that he can hear what people are thinking, that he can smell you through a crowd, and was not quiet subtly saying earlier that he’d like nothing more than to go back and kill four people, presumably with his bare hands.

Now, if you were a normal person, I would hope, you’d find a graceful way out of the conversation before he goes all Norman Bates on you, something tactful like faking a cell phone call from your mother who has caught fire and needs you to come home to put her out or a spontaneous bout of amnesia where you “wake up” only speaking French. But what does Bella do?

“It didn’t matter?” His tone made me look up — I had finally broken through his carefully composed mask. His face was incredulous, with just a hint of the anger I’d feared.
“No,” I said softly. “It doesn’t matter to me what you are.”
A hard, mocking edge entered his voice. “You don’t care if I’m a monster? If I’m not
human?”
“No.”

Basically, her reaction is, “Oh…ok.” No doubting, no worry that she’s in the presence of a seriously crazed individual. Nope, just totally takes the fact he claims to be able to hear thoughts and can sniff her girl scent out of a crowd and the claim that he isn’t actually human at not only face value, but with stubborn determination in the face of his crazy anger. I wonder if she’s ever helped any Nigerian princes’ out with some financial issues.

They conclude dinner and, on the way home, he tells her that he can’t read her mind perhaps because her mind doesn’t work like a normal person.

[Bella]”My mind doesn’t work right? I’m a freak?”
[Edward]”I hear voices in my mind and you’re worried that
you’re the freak,” he laughed.

Yeah. The rest of the conversation in the car basically spells out that, yes, Edward is a vampire and that he’s been seventeen for “a while”. Don’t get me started on the idea of pedophile teenage-aged vampires hanging out in high schools and yet how Edward is some dreamy ideal. We then have this awesome bit where Edward of this chapter seems to have forgotten the actions of previous Edwards: “Don’t you see, Bella? It’s one thing for me to make myself miserable, but a wholly other thing for you to be so involved. It’s wrong. It’s not safe. I’m dangerous, Bella — please, grasp that.” AND YET YOU’RE CONSTANTLY AROUND WHEN YOU’RE NOT OFF “CAMPING”. It’s like he’s inflicted with a very specific jerkface amnesia.

And here is where we get to the second most ridiculous thing about Edward Cullen. His breath.

His breath blew in my face, stunning me. It was the same exquisite scent that clung to his jacket, but in a more concentrated form. I blinked, thoroughly dazed.

I would like to put forward the motion that Edward has sparkle breath. Maybe he washes his mouth with unicorn [insert your own fluid here] every morning but I find the idea that his breath is somehow exquisite to be a little stomach turning. Is it super sweet? Does it smell of sunshine and daffodils? Is it so musky that she is overpowered by his sheer sparkly, vampiric maleness? What property does it possess that it can cling to surfaces like some sort of stink fairy, able to reduce Bella’s cognitive functions to “Dawww, his jacket smells like his breath.” I don’t know about you, but I would honestly figure that the breath of a predator whose diet consists of nothing but blood would probably be a bit rank. Unicorn fluid gargle FTW apparently.

The chapter ends with Bella proclaiming her lurve for Edward, despite the fact that he’s a vampire and he probably really wants to nom on her in a not-so-loving fashion.

The next chapter begins with Bella waking up with the fairly cliché “Was it all just a dream?” question and the thing that she clings to in order to prove that it wasn’t just a dream wasn’t the four guys he nearly ran down, or their dinner conversation, or even the ride home in his car where he pretty much confirmed his true nature but his breath. Bella gets a second dose of his smell when Edward picks her up the next day, because Mr. Mc”YOU NEED TO KEEP AWAY FROM ME, I’M HORRIBLY DANGEROUS!” is now giving her rides to school, and apparently his smell improves with age.

Now, I will say this in all fairness: once Bella gets to school she does a nice thing that I have to give her credit for. Mike, of the puppy-ness, apparently got the hint about the chances of him and Bella ever dating (i.e. about as likely as I’m going to win the lottery) and asked Jessica out. Mike meets up with Bella once she’s at school and asks her if Jessica mentioned anything about his date with her. Bella does the good, wingman job and tells him that Jessica had a great time and basically encourages Mike in his pursuit of Jessica by dishing on Jessica’s opinion of him. Of course this gets Mike more off her back but considering how self-involved Bella has been so far it was nice to see her actually act like a person who had some concept of how friends treat each other.

Jessica pumps Bella for information about her dinner with Edward, and Bella continues to help Jessica and Mike out, and then there’s lunch. Edward is once again waiting for Bella to come join him and more background is given about Edward. Apparently vampires in Meyer’s universe take the adage of “you are what you eat” to heart because they seem to have some food preferences based off of what kind of animal they’re like or something (we learn that Edward is apparently very lion like and his favorite meal is mountain lion).

After lunch is science class where Edward and Bella have “electricity” shooting between them, Mike gets upset that Edward’s where Mike would like to be with Bella, and Edward gives her a ride home. The next day is filled with Edward getting his chance to grill Bella about her personal life, asking her anything and everything that comes to mind. After school they hang out in her driveway for a while, talking, and Edward reveals that “twilight” (har har, SM, har har indeed) is the safest time for Edward and his kind because the sun is down (hinting at the sparkle). They’re interrupted by not only Charlie coming home, but Jacob and his father Billy, an elder of his tribe, arriving as well.

Billy, it seems, is a believer in the stories about the Cullens and gets his frowny face on at seeing such a nice girl like Bella with such an inhuman, animal-killing monster like Edward. Bella spends the entire time Billy and Jacob are over at her house pretty much eye-balling Billy, praying he doesn’t point out her out and say to Charlie, “Your daughter like likes a corpse.” Finally they leave and then it is Friday and I’ll end here.

In this section we got the teensiest bit of character development with the whole Bella-Mike-Jessic thing going on and it was refreshing for a moment to see Bella act like a human being. Edward continues to be a conflicted jerk while Bella continues to be an idiot for him. The writing hasn’t improved any, tell not show is still the name of the game, the abuse of the em dash continues and I think SM has gone through every synonym for “yellow” to describe Edward’s eyes.

Adjective count for Edward stands at beautiful x 7, gorgeous, absurdly handsome, very attractive, dazzling, flawless, perfect x 4, stunning, brilliant, mysterious, gloriously intense, breath-taking, and too-perfect.

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9 Responses to 31 Days of Twilight Day 3ish and 4ish – Where in we see that Bella has fully bought a ticket for Edward’s crazy train and Edward has exquisite breath

  1. rooandnate says:

    “Too-perfect” should actually read as “two-perfect” bringing the “perfect” score up to “perfect x 6”.

    Also, all the quotation marks.

    • mattmarovich says:

      CRAP! that version didn’t update the actual counts. There’s a lot more adjectives it’s missing, I’ll have to update it when I get home.

      I don’t know, but I can see where you’re coming from on the perfect bit. But what about the quotation marks?

  2. Jett says:

    He can’t read her mind…

    THIS MEANS NO BRAIN ACTIVITY FFS!
    …and yes, I actually mean both the author and the main character…

  3. Bon Steele says:

    Maybe he washes his mouth with unicorn [insert your own fluid here] every morning

    Dead.Of.Giggles.

  4. headtrip-honey says:

    Although I completely agree that “his breath is AMAZING” is ridiculous, the reason is supposedly that it’s a way to lure prey in. He’s beautiful, smells good – even his BREATH smells good, for Christ’s sake, so it’s supposed to be difficult for potential targets to resist.

    JFC why do I know this.

    I think you learn this later in the book, so, uh, spoilers?

    • mattmarovich says:

      Yeah, I think I got to that part last night. But, seriously, this next section has been nothing but smells. Edward’s smells. Bella’s smells. EVERYONE SMELLS.

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