I can’t tell you how much I’m looking forward to this being over.
Breaking Dawn. We suffered through Twilight, languished through New Moon, WTFed through Eclipse, and at last we’ve come to the final book in the series. Yes, I know there was some craptastic re-telling of the first book from Edward’s POV that was leaked and Meyer had a hissy fit and will never finish it. Three words for you: I don’t care. It was never completed, never officially published, and therefore not a book IMO.
Breaking Dawn begins with a chapter titled “Engaged” so you can pretty much tell what it’s about. It’s some unknown time after the ending of Eclipse, a couple of weeks probably. Jacob has run away to go be a wolf somewhere in Canada, Edward has given Bella a car usually reserved for diplomats living in country’s going through uprisings, and he and Bella decide to tell Charlie about the engagement and almost give him a heart attack. We also learn that the thing that Bella’s looking forward to the most is
getting the wedding over with riding Edward piggy-back the wrong way. Who knew that lying under that klutzy, plain, terminally short-sighted, emotionally crippled exterior lay a sex kitten?
Then we pretty much cut to the night before the wedding. Bella, of course, is inspired by the moment and full of the purple prose.
Sometimes it was so easy to forget that I was kissing a vampire. Not because he seemed ordinary or human – I could never for a second forget that I was holding someone more angel than man in my arms…
His sweet breath washed – cold and delicious – over my face.
We’re treated to some Bella freaking out about her wedding, a story about “the immortal children” (think Claudia from Interview with the Vampire) and how the Volturi had to cleanse them and all of their makers because they were such a violation of
the Masquerade the secrecy. Bella dreams that she was changed into a vampire and had an immortal child of her own the Volturi were coming to destroy.
The next day is the wedding day. Meyer begins what I feel is the biggest flaw of this book, over-explaining everything, and yet the thing its fans have been craving for three novels and change: the teensiest, tiniest details about Bella’s wedding and what comes after.
I will spare you those details. Well, most of them. Apparently bouquets can be “frothy white” (Santorum has forever ruined that word for me) and Edward’s eyes are once again “buttery” (which caused my stomach to churn when combined with “frothy”). Suffice to say, Alice planned the wedding, the wedding happened, “I do”s were exchanged and everything was marvelous.
Until Jacob shows up.
The wedding is going in full swing and everyone seems to be having a good time. There’s dancing, hanging out, many congratulations from Bella’s friends (human and sparklepire) and then Jacob shows up. Edward gives the two of them a chance to talk on their own. This goes well until Jacob learns that Bella plans on having sex with Edward.
And then his eyes bulged wide with a strange kind of confused horror.
“What?” he gasped. “What did you say?”
“About what…? Jake? What’s wrong?”
“What do you mean? Have a real honeymoon? While you’re still human? Are you kidding me? That’s a sick joke, Bella!”
…His enormous hands gripped the tops of my arms, wrapping all the way around, fingers overlapping.
“Ow, Jake! Let go!”
He shook me.
“Bella! Have you lost your mind? You can’t be that stupid! Tell me you’re joking!”
He shook me again. His hands, tight as tourniquets, were quivering, sending vibrations deep into my bones.
The pack drags Jacob out by his ear and the happy couple leaves for their mysterious honeymoon of mystery. They hop a few flights towards South America and then take a boat to the middle of nowhere where they find a small island that, by coincidence, is named Isle Esme and owned by the Cullen family (Carlisle gave it to his wife as a gift).
They get to the island at night time, because Edward would stick out like a glitter-covered thumb if they didn’t, and Bella starts having a nervous breakdown at the thought of her wedding night and, you know, having to go be naked in front of Edward. She paces, she breathes deep when she starts to hyperventilate, she takes a shower and shaves her legs (you’d have thought she would’ve done that <24 hours ago considering she'd just gotten married). But she's not freaking out about the situation being wrong. Oh no.
And I wasn’t freaking out because I thought we were making a mistake. Not at all. I was freaking out because I had no idea how to do this, and I was afraid to walk out of the room and face the unknown. Especially in French lingerie.
You’d think she would’ve worked through this in her head already, especially considering the number of times she tried to jump Edward’s bones and awkwardly seduce him from before, but no, it just wouldn’t be Twilight if Bella didn’t have some kind of emo drama break down.
Bella finally snaps out of it, walks down to the beach, naked save for a towel, where she meets up with Edward, and the two engage in a little skinny dipping before skipping off screen for the sexing.
Yes, finally, after nearly two thousand pages, they have sex. They do it off screen, which isn’t surprising after how almost all other action takes place off screen and this is, nominally, a young adult novel.
The next morning Bella’s recreating the scene in Gone With the Wind where Scarlet wakes up in bed after having been carried upstairs by Rhett Butler, all languid and well-sexed, rolls over and finds a very upset Edward. Bella is confused, she thought they had a simply marvelous time, but three things are wrong:
1. She’s covered in feathers
2. Edward won’t touch her
3. She’s also covered in bruises.
The first one comes from the most unintentionally hilarious bit of dialogue in this series, hands down:
“Why am I covered in feathers?” I asked, confused.
He exhaled impatiently. “I bit a pillow. Or two. That’s not what I’m talking about.”
“You…bit a pillow?”
Somehow, I don’t think what’s in my head when I hear the term “pillow-biter” is the same thing Meyer thought for this scene.
The other two go hand in hand, er, hand on body. While Edward managed to not crush every bone in Bella’s body in a spat of orgasmic frenzy, he’s apparently left her covered in bruises, which Bella, as the hidden super-freak she is, is kind of into. But it doesn’t matter that she thinks it’s ok, or that she’s not really hurt, or even that she kind of liked it, Edward won’t touch her and won’t hear anything from her about having more sexy time.
“You are killing my buzz, Edward.”
…It looked like my honeymoon was over. The thought put a big lump in my throat.
I do have to sympathize with her about this though. I mean, if I had waited two years (almost) to have sex with my boyfriend, been put in mortal danger by him and because of him, had leapt through every hoop he put before me, only to get one taste of that awesome loving and be denied any further helpings I’d be pissed and upset too, especially when you consider that compared to the other injuries she’s had up to this point a few bruises are nothing.
Edward then spends the next couple of days doing everything and anything on Isle Esme to distract Bella from wanting sex (with little success). They swim and snorkel, hike, boat, everything he can think of short of Parcheesi but Bella is still insistent (wonder why), puts on a slinky number, and manages to get Edward into bed after she wakes up from a super hot dream.
The next morning is roses and sunshine and post-orgasmic bliss for the both of them. Bella is bruise free although the bed was destroyed. The island’s cleaning staff show up and we learn that the Cullens are the world’s worst vampire-secret keepers as they have kept on staff a woman whose tribe of South American natives has legends about pale, beautiful, sparklepires sneaking women off to sex to death. You’d think that as part of the interview process they’d weed out anyone who might even slightly consider vampire myths to be fact, but, oh no, Edward and Bella get stared at a lot by the woman as she totally suspects Edward’s true nature.
A few days later, Bella wakes up, makes herself some breakfast (since Edward has gone in to town), and proceeds to be violently ill after eating some eggs. After Edward comes back and some dialogue, Bella discovers something startling, frightening, and impossible: she’s pregnant.
Here’s yet another inconsistency that I don’t get: Edward has no blood, really (or at least there was no blood when sparklepires were torn apart in Eclipse) and so, in theory, no blood pressure for erections. Ok, I’m willing to hand-wave that away, however, I don’t get why he’d have A) sperm, since his other bodily functions have stopped, and B) if he did have sperm how they could then “change” by joining with an egg and start the whole baby-making process. Bella talks about how sparklepirehood freezes you in place, biologically speaking, at the time of your change, which is why sparklepire women can’t have babies because they bodies can’t change. So, if Edward is frozen in time, then his sperm (if he still makes sperm) should be too. *shakes head* I’m thinking way too much about sparklespire sperm. Moving on!
Anyway, Bella is in fact pregnant with Edward’s super maturing sparklepire fetus. The fetus is maturing so quickly that it’s only been seventeen days since the wedding, which means sixteen since she could’ve been first knocked up. And yet, as she’s standing there holding her baby bump and Edward has turned into a statue of stupefied amazement kneeling on the floor, she feels the sparklefetus bump her hand. Carlisle calls, alerted by Alice’s ability, he talks to Edward, they plan to go home, and Edward makes vague insinuations towards something that sounds a lot like an abortion, such as “We’ll take care of this, and you’ll be fine.” and “We’re going to get that thing out before it can hurt any part of you.”
This does not please Bella at all, as she’s very put out that her “little nudger” was referred to as a thing.
The superstitious cleaning lady shows up and has her own freak out about Bella’s instant pregnancy and while Edward is packing the boat Bella sneaks off to phone Rosalie, tell her the news, and enlist her help as a coconspirator in keeping Edward’s sparklechild.
Thus ends the first chunk of Breaking Dawn.
Breaking Dawn, more so than other books, felt like it had a lot of extraneous words and descriptions thrown in where they frankly weren’t needed. The first portion of the book I reviewed was Bella’s first chunk, 138 pages or about 1/5 of the total book, and it felt like it didn’t need to be this long. Similarly, the writing could’ve been better (see previous statements regarding “frothy” and “buttery”).
The long anticipated wedding and honeymoon were…meh. I know I wasn’t that nervous on the day or night of my wedding but, then again, I was also almost ten years older than Bella, had a better sense of who I was as an individual, and definitely not a virgin on my wedding night, so who am I to say that an eighteen year-old girl would or would not be that nervous.
The only good thing about it is that with how inflated I felt the scenes were this was a quick read. Most of my other write-ups were 2k words long and covered about 100 pages out of the book and this one is just at that 2k mark and covered half again as many pages. Hopefully this rate will continue and I can be done faster.