31 Days of Twilight – Breaking Dawn, Day 3 – IT TASTES LIKE WHAT?! *yarf*

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And we’re back for Episode Jacob 2.0, the Mopening Continues.

Before I get to the Mopening, let me just say that I’m really, really glad that Meyer wrote so much extraneous dialogue and description because I’m a third of the way through the book already and will hopefully be a good chunk more before I end things tonight.

Anyway, Mopening.

Jacob returns from his meeting with the former packmates to find the inside of the Cullens’ home returned to normal, Bella looking a lot better and having herself a blood smoothie. Jacob starts trying to antagonize Rosalie because he doesn’t like her by…telling blond jokes. Yes, because I’m sure with being partnered to someone as mature as Emmett she’s never heard those before (and, shockingly, she has).

Jacob leaves to get some sleep in the woods outside when Edward comes out and is…nice. He’s thankful, grateful, and Esme, in that Esme way she has, offers to feed, clothe, and house Jacob’s pack. A cry interrupts their conversation and Jacob’s quest for Zzzs; it turns out that the sparklefetus has gotten so strong its breaking her bones now, a rib this time. Carlisle gets Bella upstairs where, ridiculously, they have an X-ray machine set up. Alice joins Jacob downstairs and confides in him that the sparklefetus, somehow, is giving her a headache and that she can’t see it in the same way she can’t see the future’s of the werewolves. Jacob’s presence drowns out the static made by the sparklefetus, letting Alice have some relief, and Jacob passes out.

He sleeps for something like a week and wakes up starving. Jacob and Carlisle have a discussion about the Cullens getting their food too (without getting ambushed by Sam and his bunch) before Jacob decides he can’t take and eat Esme’s cooking, on account that it smells like sparklecorpse, and decides that he and Leah are going to go hunting together. Considering that Leah is about as much fun as being stripped naked in the middle of a snowstorm and whipped with nettles, I’m surprised he didn’t choke down Esme’s cooking.

Jacob and Seth run some patrols while Seth tries to give him a pep talk as they discuss what’s going on. Jacob eventually heads back to Casa de Cullen to get put through Bella’s emotional wringer some more. I can’t really decide at this point who I dislike more for the situation: Jacob for not having the fortitude to just walk away or Bella for not seeing (intentionally or unintentionally) what she is doing to Jacob.

Edward and Jacob have another conversation that seems to go well, both of them speaking a bit incredulously about Bella’s plan for “surviving” the sparklefetus and for seeing her father after her change, if she is successfully changed into a sparklepire. Edward tells Jacob that the Carlisle, Emmett, and Jasper are off doing research on Bella’s condition, trying to find any myths or legends that might hint at what they’re supposed to be doing. Jacob asks about the survival rate of the mothers and when Edward doesn’t really respond we get the answer: there were no survivors.

But that’s ok with Rosalie, as she pretty much dismisses the fact that Bella’s going to need to die in order to give birth to the sparklefetus and as long as the fetus is born then life will be good.

This doesn’t sit well with Jacob and Edward so Jacob does the totally mature thing and throws a bowl of food at the back of her head.

The next day Leah and Jacob have a bonding moment when they go out to scout the way for the Cullens to leave so they can hunt. And when I say bonding I mean Leah annoyingly telling Jacob he’s stuck with her, conceivably forever, which just tickles him pink. However, they do actually bond, Leah opens up some to him about the why, because Jacob won’t really ask her for anything and they can stay out of each other’s way (and then she doesn’t have to go back and be around Sam anymore). Of course Leah goes and ruins the moment by saying that not only does she understand Rosalie, she’d probably go along with it if put in a similar circumstance since becoming a werewolf has apparently stopped all of her menstruating/procreative abilities, which also means that she’s probably not going to imprint with anyone else, leaving her to possible eternity alone.

Jacob flees the conversation and heads back to check on Bella, whose sparklefetus has continued to beat her up. Jacob tells a blond joke I hadn’t heard before (Q: How do a blond’s brain cell die? A: Alone). Rosalie taunts him with a fight, he says bring it, Bella ruins the fun by telling them to stop and then Edward tells everyone to shut up because he can hear something.

This is when we learn the third scary thing about the sparklefetus, beyond the blood drinking and super strength: not only is it more consciously aware, but it has complex thoughts.

Everyone goes all wide-eyed at the idea and they start talking to/about it. This is when we find out the fetus’ eventual name. Renesmee, a combination of Renee and Esme pronounced Ruh-nez-may. During the podcast Tyler’s fiancé passed him a note saying it wasn’t uncommon for grandparents’ names to be combined (such as Mary Anne). That might be true but I still think it’s a stupid name.

Jacob feels betrayed by Edward because he thought Edward would be all over the “THE SPARKLEFETUS IS EVIL, GET IT!” train and now Edward’s been reduced to a sparkly puddle of baby-luvin’ goo. As a consolation gift Edward gives Jacob the keys to an Aston Martin Vanquish and tells him to get out of there (but in a good way).

Jacob’s plan to make himself feel better?

To go to a place with a lot of people and stare at women, hoping to imprint on one of them.

While he doesn’t find an imprintee, he does start getting chatted up by a young woman.

A young woman who is cute.

A young woman who is cute and sounds intelligent based on her dialogue.

A young woman who is cute and sounds intelligent based on her dialogue who knows cars.

And he doesn’t even get her number. *facepalm*

No, the Mopening is in full effect and Jacob goes back to Forks to be depressed. But at least he has Leah to be alone with, so he won’t really be alone, except that neither of them wants to be together in that way so they still are totally alone.

When he arrives at Casa de Cullen Edward says he needs to talk to him. Leah, being Leah, took Jacob’s absence as an opportunity to get up in Bella’s pregnant grill about her relationship with Jacob and how harmful it was, upsetting Bella in a wah is me sort of fashion. Edward also lets Jacob know that he can make out the sparklefetus’ thoughts and that it can understand the conversations, is mentally advanced, and is even doing what it can to not cause Bella pain. The problem is, they’ve waited too long and the sparklefetus is too big to really do that last part, so Edward asks Jacob’s permission, as the grandson of the man who created the treaty, to alter it to allow this one exception to save Bella. Because she basically has a day left breathing. Jacob goes along with it. And that’s when things get shitty.

They go inside and Bella, being Bella, drops her Cup o’ Blood. This wouldn’t be an issue, two vamps and a werewolf all go to catch it before she can really move much, but the sudden movement from her is enough to cause a tearing sound inside her and then she goes limp. Rosalie and Edward catch her and a moment later she screams and does the Exorcist pea soup scene but this time with a fire hose of blood ejecting from her mouth.

Long story short, the sudden movement, combined with the size and weight of the sparklefetus, caused her placenta to rip away from her body. Apparently detached placentas are a real thing (and also the name of my Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen cover band) and the sparklefetus begins to suffocate. Sparklepires, werewolves, and Bella all start screaming at each other about what to do. Let’s list all the whacky things that happen (*cue Yakkity Sax playing in your mind*)

1. Rosalie tears Bella’s clothes off
2. Edward pumps her full of morphine
3. Bella wakes up, screams at them, passes out again
4. Rosalie stabs Bella in the stomach with a scalpel
5. Rosalie smells the blood and loses control
6. Jacob tackles her, kicks her in the gut, and Alice drags her out of the room by her face
7. Jacob does CPR on Bella
8. There’s a loud crack and Bella goes limp (Congrats, you’ve unlocked the achievement “SPINAL TAPPED OUT”)
9. Jacob does more CPR
10. Edward slices open her belly and proceeds to chew the Baby out of the vampiric amniotic sack.

I will now pause our Yakkity Sax re-telling of the events of Renesmee’s birth to bring you this:

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No, I’m not kidding. According to Robert Pattinson, he tasted strawberry jam and cream cheese while chewing through the practical effects for that scene in the movie.

*urp*

And in case you ever wanted to know what Bella’s placenta might look like, a helpful fan has made a prop just for you.

WHY DO I GO LOOKING FOR THESE THINGS ON THE INTERNET?!

11. Renesmee is born and everyone but Jacob seems to forget that Bella is pretty much dead at this point.
12. Edward stabs a syringe full of venom straight into her heart in a scene that I envision being a lot like the one in Pulp Fiction, but it’s not, Bella pretty much lies there
13. Edward proceeds to start biting her all over, injecting her with more venom
14. Jacob gives up and Edward takes over pumping her heart
15. Jacob goes down stairs, sees Rosalie with Renesmee, and pretty much decides he’s going to kill the sparklebaby
16. Jacob looks into her face and IMPRINTS! ON A NEWLY BORN SPARKLEBABY!

*sound of a record player needle being jerked over vinyl, cutting off the music*

And that’s it for this scene, ending at about the half way point of the book and the start of Book 3, titled “Bella”.

Not much to say here that I haven’t said before except that I’m glad to not be in Jacob’s first person perspective anymore. He’s a mopey self-imposed victim and I have absolutely zero sympathy for the pain he is caused by the situations he puts himself in.

And now we have someone even creepier than Quil who imprinted on a two year-old.. I can hear the Twilight fans now, “But, Matt, it’s ok, she’s actually a super mature baby, an old soul even!”

She’s still a baby whose life he’s going to lurk so he can mate with later in life.

And that’s gross.

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