Poop Threat Levels

If you’re a parent or have ever babysat younger children, you know the…”joy” of changing a diaper. You also know that whenever you go to change a diaper you’re potentially in for any number of possible outcomes. Having recently started trying to train my kid in cloth underwear, I thought I’d share with you my Poop Threat Level Meter*.

Level Zero – No poop. Pretty self-explanatory, the easiest diaper to change.

Level One – The Flyspeck/Diaper Duster – This isn’t really a poop but where clearly the kid almost pooped, enough so that there’s a little on the diaper. Consider this a warning that poop will later be in your future.

Level Two – The Pebble – This is literally a little pebble of poo as if your child’s body used every last scrap of food for nutrients and this is the weird stuff left over. Not necessarily a herald of horrible things to come but that’s all they got for now.

Level Three – Deer Diaper (or Rabbit Diaper) – The Deer Diaper/Rabbit Diaper is pretty much a collection of Pebbles like your kid was channeling their inner woodland creature. How the kid manages to make it like this is beyond me, maybe a pediatrician would know, but it’s weird. Super weird, and evidence that your kid’s digestive track is a strange, undiscovered country.

Level Four – Little Poop – Exactly what it is on the tin, a little poo.

Level Five – Poop – A healthy sized poop for your kid. Not necessarily a freak show in their diaper to clean up, but something you’d not think too out of the ordinary.

Level Six – Large Poop/Diaper Filler – Maybe they were packing it away for a while, maybe they decided to give you a look at what the inside of their lower intestine and colon looks like, but this is a poo that gives you pause and makes you thank your blessings it wasn’t worse while making you take a mental inventory of how many wipes you brought with you.

Level Seven – The Back Shits/The Pants Ender/The Super Underpants Explosion – This level is a test of fire for newer parents, especially when your sweet newborn manages to produce their own weight in semi-solid waste. How a baby weighing ten pounds is able to produce that much crap AND the internal pressure necessary to propel it with such force that it shoots up their diaper, curling up the back of it like a ramp, and gaining liftoff to paint their back a horrible Jackson Pollock of feces is beyond me. This one is always a challenge, especially the Back Shits, as you try to strip them of their soiled clothes without getting any in their hair.

Level Eight – The Shatastrophe – The Shatastrophe is both the Back Shits and the Pants Ender at the same time. Your child has somehow managed to hose themselves down in runny, slightly clingy liquid shit and it’s best not to think too long on how they managed to do it; that way lies the path of madness. Necessitating an entire change and maybe a hose down, the Shatastrophe is a nightmare, especially if you’re out.

Level Nine – Poopacolapyse – The Shatastrophe that is…not contained. Maybe your toddler left a little trail of brown footprints, maybe you came around the corner and found them rolling around in their own filth, maybe they decided to finger paint with their very own natural pallet, regardless, this poop has grown to Biblical proportions and literally laughs at the diaper that sought to contain it, much like the mighty Fenris Wolf scoffs at the chain he eventually will slip free from.

Level Ten – The Crapnarok** – The Shitting of the Gods. The end of the world where all creation will be subsumed beneath rivers of fiery poo and the fear of all things baby. As your little bundle of joy ushers in a new age of darkness, new parents around you will reconsider their decisions to produce their own herald of the end and those without children will make commitments to never breed themselves.

*Any and all likeness to the US government’s terrorist threat level is in your own head.
**Yes, I probably didn’t translate it right. It’s ok. It’s a joke.

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