Movie Review: Transformers 4: The Soulless POS That NO ONE Appeared to Actually Want to be In

Working for a video game company certainly has some perks.

Cool free stuff in our games.

Getting to watch the magic done behind the curtain and see games go from concept to playable (it’s really neat).

Awesome swag.

And, if you work at my company, a free viewing of some movie tangentially related to one of our games (or something our CEO is simply dying to see) approximately once a quarter. This month is my company’s fourteenth anniversary which, for a company making video games, is actually pretty impressive. Studios that have created AAA games have been created, flamed out, and gone off into the great Cheap-O Bin in the sky since we first started and we’re still trucking along and expanding. To celebrate, we essentially got last Friday off of work, went mini-golfing in the morning, and then saw a showing of Transformers 4: Age of Extinction.

The best thing about this movie is that I can say I didn’t pay a single cent for it.

Now, I’m going spoil this stinking pile of shit and I do so as an act of public service so that if you had ANY desire to see this movie I will kill it as dead as Megatron.

First off, Optimus Prime kills a human. That, right there, should be enough for you to never want to see this movie. I could kind of, if I looked sort of at it with a severe side-eye, see why Supes might kill Zod. But this is Optimus Prime. This is Optimus “I will let one of my best soldiers, and possibly one of the last five of my kind, be captured and tortured, possibly to death, by humans rather than killing them” Prime. This is Optimus “I might be CG but I love humanity enough to do three films with Shia LeDouche” Prime. Prime has a better track record of not killing humans (directly, anyway) than Star Fleet does holding to the Prime Directive. And in this film, almost at the end, he just ups and shoots a human. Hell, he even says, “I may have sworn to never kill a human, but when I find out who is responsible for [hunting Transformers down, tearing their corpses apart, and reducing them to their base parts] he will die.” THIS IS THE SAME ROBOT WHO KNEW HUMANS WERE GOING TO TORTURE A VERY LIVE BUMBLEBLEE AND IS ALL, “No, surely we can’t harm the hairless apes, we’re not really any better than them.” and now he’s promising swift and brutal murder? Sure, that human was evil Kelsey Grammer and he was going to kill Marky Mark Wahlberg, but still. Optimus Prime. Does. Not. Kill. Humans.

Secondly, they kill Ratchet. Right off the bat in the movie, they hunt him down and kill him, even though they know he’s an Autobot and, IMO, they do it in a pretty torture-porn fashion. As a person who loved the cartoon series (even if it was just to sell toys) and someone who didn’t mind the first and third movie (the second can suck a big robotic wang), this offended me to the core. It’s like needlessly killing a dog in a movie. Hell, when they killed Ironhide in the third movie it bothered me but it at least made some sense. This? This just pissed me off.

You know, I was going to go into the plot and how there are huge holes in it. Like, how does Optimus Prime have the ability to fly at the end of the movie with no additional gear but NEVER SHOWS THIS ABILITY IN ANY OF THE FILMS AND IS FALLING FROM GREAT HEIGHTS ALL THE TIME? Or when he’s Broken-Ass Optimus at the beginning of the movie he tells Marky Mark that he needs the Autobots to heal him BUT later he just scans a passing semi and, BOOM, fixed? Or when at the end we’re put through a stupid chase scene as the bounty hunter Transformer’s ship is randomly using a giant sky magnet (I shit you not) to lift all kinds of metal stuff up into the air, FOR MINUTES OF MOVIE TIME, and yet Optimus dispatches the sky magnet with a few rounds of his hand cannon? WHY DIDN’T HE DO THAT AT THE START? But, if I did that, I’d just be typing up the movie and, really, that’s spending far too much time on this shitshow as it is.

No one wanted to be in this movie. Mark Wahlberg’s performance as the overly-protective, pretty misogynistic father is crap (to the point where it was hilariously over-acted in some scenes), almost on par with The Happening. Nicola Peltz was, as harsh as it might be to say, an even more inconsequential female lead that the other three movies had with Megan Fox or blond Not-Megan-Fox-Because-She-Was-Probably-Fired-By-Speilberg. Jack Reynor as Shane Dyson, the car-driving, illicit boyfriend, is particularly douchey in that he’s memorized the Texas statute that covers Romeo and Juliet, not-technically-statutory-rape relationships to justify why a twenty year-old is probably shtupping a seventeen year old (and has been for the last three years) and spends the entire movie on the opposite side of Mark Wahlberg’s character as they piss on Peltz to see who can claim ownership of her. Newsflash: if you have to argue “But it’s technically legal” it’s probably not cool.

Then there’s Stanley Tucci, whose character is just annoying throughout the movie, and Kelsey Grammer, who I assume just needed a paycheck.

Even Peter Cullen seemed particularly tired in this film but, hey, when pretty much most of your IMDB page is doing one particular character, you’re kind of stuck.

I hated this film, I hate the idea that I contributed to the fact there’s going to be a Transformers 5 what with Galvatron *coughcoughMegatroncoughcough* on the loose and Optimus Prime off flying around the universe in search of his creators to go give them what for. I hated the fact that they made this a movie almost on par with the Lord of the Rings films as far as length is concerned. And I hate the fact that they named the substance they mined out of the corpses of Transformers transformium (which, honestly, isn’t any better than unobtanium).

Do not see this film.

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One Response to Movie Review: Transformers 4: The Soulless POS That NO ONE Appeared to Actually Want to be In

  1. Bon Steele says:

    I hadn’t planned on seeing it because much as I loved the Transformers as a kid, I cannot put up with the Bayschlock.

    Giant robotic testicles, *harumph*

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